In which I disappeared for a year…
So. You haven’t heard from me for a while. There is a reason for that. My life, and I, have been changed irrevocably these last 12 months. One year and one week ago, I came down with a terrible ‘flu. This turned into pneumonia. Bedridden, my parents took me in and took care of me and the doctor demanded to see me twice a week until I recovered. Only I didn’t recover. Not quite.
My lungs, after a couple of months, finally healed, and yet I never got ‘fit’ again. I have finally, after quite a horrific journey, been formally diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS).
Did I say ‘changed irrevocably’? It feels more like having my life ripped from me. The pictures you see on this site of a young fiesty woman gallivanting about in sequins and shorts, offering writing tips and workshops, joking about office politics, taking part in film festivals, winning awards (well, award singular 🙂 ) and generally living life with gusto has gone and I’m still grieving, so forgive me if I don’t write about it in full just yet. Just getting these words down now is making me cry and if I take the lid off this can of worms, I’m not sure I can cope with the rest of the day and coping is what I do, every day.
Oh there are good days, of course. I can find joy in the simplest of things, even more so now. When getting outside, reading, writing, doing anything becomes a luxury, then believe me, you enjoy the small things as the beautiful gifts that they are.
That’s all for today. I didn’t know where to start with all that’s happened, but I needed to get this down and writing is my way of making sense of things. I hope it helps you too, in some way.
I know that I haven’t explained yet what CFS (also known as M.E.) actually is – I haven’t got the energy to right now – but this is a good place to start if you’d like to find out.
Take good care of yourself,
IMPORTANT NOTICE: Unless you have experience of CFS/ME yourself, please don’t comment about things you think/have heard/your Aunty Doris said will help. I know it comes from a place of kindness, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the last year, it’s that unless you have experienced this yourself, your opinion isn’t helpful. If this sounds harsh, then please note that it’s been learned the hard way – everyone seems to have an opinion regardless of whether they actually know what it’s like and I just don’t have the energy to deal with or read them all. Thank you for understanding.
You’re brave. Thanks a lot for writing this.
Thanks Siobhan. I appreciate your comment. I admit I felt terrified after I posted it. Had a massive, loud, snotty cry after I wrote this, which actually felt really good!